Done Done Done

I can't believe I'm finally done. It's been a challenging 7 months of surgery, chemo, and radiation. Cancer is incredibly hard to destroy. Many cancer patients go through all this and more for longer and still have a high chance for recurrence;  for example lung cancer - 85% , ovarian cancer - 75%. I am humbled by these statistics and feel fortunate that my cancer only has a 15% chance of recurrence. This isn't much higher than my original chances of getting it in the first place.

I feel great and have so much energy. I am pleased with how well I've regained strength and stamina considering how brutal the chemo was for me. I wonder if the cancer was taking a toll on me while it was growing or if I feel so good now because I was down for so long. (I don't remember feeling this way before my diagnosis). Whatever the reason I welcome feeling good and treasuring each moment.  So now instead of going to doctor appointments and treatments, I'm off to yoga, pilates, lunch with friends, concerts, etc. I'm off the sofa and in the garden planting flowers and veggies. Next week we're renting a house in Mendocino for 5 days with our good friends, Ann and Steven.  My hair is coming back. It looks quite gray, kind of a salt and pepper (heavy on the salt!). I'm so glad to have hair I really don't care. It's about 3/4 of an inch long. I can't wait till I'm comfortable going out without a hat. So much of what used to bother or upset me is of no consequence now. I really don't sweat the small stuff, because really that's what most of it is. I guess it takes the really big stuff, like cancer, to make us realize this.

This ordeal started in summer, I watched the poplars and birches outside the family room window go through their seasonal changes. I felt similar transitions as the leaves went from green to gold, then floated to the ground with the fall winds (kind of like my hair!). The empty branches, dark against the cold winter sky, appeared as lifeless as I felt. And now the promise of spring has arrived, new life sprouts from the barren trees and new vitality gathers in me.  The white crowned sparrows have returned; the world is again filled with vibrant color and new growth as the cycle continues and I take my place in it.

So this brings my blog to a close. I will keep you posted as new challenges appear. I still have to take the estrogen blocker for 5 years. I can't thank everyone enough for all the love and support sent my way. I treasure every e-mail, phone call, visit, meal, gift, and general good vibes from all the wonderful folks in my life. I send each of you blessings for sharing my journey.
Namaste,
Anita

Finish line

I haven't been keeping up with my blog because for the last 5 weeks I have been going to UCSF for my radiation treatments. I would leave monday morning and return friday afternoon. Since I was home for such a short time I didn't want to spend it in front of the computer (I preferred to play in my garden :>). The time has flown by and I can't believe I'm done- really done with everything surgery, chemo, radiation- on Tuesday.

Radiation has been nothing compared to Chemo. I know two other women who are going through chemo and I realize now how very hard it affected me. Both of these women can drive and just have a few days of feeling bad. I was lucky if I had a few days of feeling good in the two week cycle.  But that's behind me now. And I will say to my credit that as bad as it was I get an "A" for attitude! I have done much better with the radiation. My doctor had me do 25 treatments- some women have to have 30. I asked if this was a good thing in terms of prognosis and she replied, with a smile on her face, "It's a very good thing."  Yea for my team!!  I'm a little tired from the inflammation of the radiation, but it's not bad at all. My skin is doing great, I just have a small patch of redness on my collar bone and chest. The technicians, who are absolutely wonderful, joke that they must not have turned on the machine!

I've had a great time while in the bay area. My nieces were there for part of the time and we had some very nice visits. And of course my sister, Jessica, who has been a great support through all of this, has been making sure we get to play a lot. We've been to movies, plays, music events, wonderful restaurants, and walk every day. She lives close to Dan's, where I'm staying, so its super easy to get together. Dan has been gone most of the time, so I have his beautiful home to myself. It's in the hills with a wonderful view of SF and the Golden Gate. Did I mention the hot tub and espresso maker?  I also drove down to Santa Cruz twice to see Ben (my son). It's about 2 hours and the highway goes right along the ocean from south of SF until SC, it is a gorgeous drive. I would spend the night and drive back for treatment the next day. My niece, Sarah, joined me on one of the trips.  The treatment takes about 5 minutes once I'm on the table. Originally my appointment was at 4. The traffic coming back was awful. The 35 minute drive would take over an hour. After two weeks, a slot opened at 12:30 and the drive is easy.

 As much fun as I've had in the city, I'm a country girl at heart, and am eager to get back to my life before cancer. I know it is now my life after cancer, but it will be a relief to not have all my time and energy focused on treatment.  My oncologist said I'm cured and she wants me to think of myself this way.  I plan to do that. If I have learned anything from this it is to live in the moment, regardless of what that moment brings.  If I worry about the  future or regret the past, I am not being. And if I am not being I am not living.

Portless

Lots had been going on, but I'm happy to report that I've been too busy with being normal to sit and write! I didn't bounce back so quickly after my last infusion which was 3 weeks ago. I kind of pushed myself a bit too hard and was exhausted for a few days. I never realized how impatient I am.  In the last week, I have finally felt like my old self, (sort of). I'm able to walk my old route and I have worked up to 20 minutes and 1.7 miles on the nordic track. I also went to pilates and have been working with weights. My gym membership is on a medical hold and I won't go back until after I finish radiation, so I'm doing everything here at home.  This is ok because the heaviest weights I have are only 5 lbs, so I can't overdo it!  I've also been shopping and eating out and not worrying about every germ that comes my way. My hair has started growing back (it actually starting growing when I was on the Taxol). it's still just stubble but I can see it changing (I look at it about 30 time a day!).  I still have the residue from the Hand reaction I got from the first chemo drug I was on. The skin on my finger tips are all wrinkly (like when you have your hands in water too long) and there is still some numbness. My nail are all yellow and I have lost my thumb nail and will probably loose others too.  It's more annoying than anything else.

I got my port removed yesterday. Usually, they are left in for 6 months or so, but no one could give me a good reason why that was, so I pushed for getting it out before I start radiation.  It was done right in the doctor's office.  It took quite a while and I was very nervous about the whole thing. I felt no pain but I did feel pressure and heard sniping and stuff. I'm a ninny at heart! It was painful last night and this morning, more than when it was put in.  I have the stitches out on Monday.

Next week I go to UCSF for my set up for radiation which will begin the following week. My sister's friend, Dan, has graciously offered me a room in his house. He lives in the hills near Tilden Park and a short walk from my sister's (her place in only a 1 bedroom). I'm trying to overlook the sad reason I'll be there and focus on all the fun things there are to do in the bay area.

So I think this catches everyone up on the latest from me. I'll do some posting when I'm having the radiation. I look forward to being done with all this.

The Last......Hurrah!

Yesterday was my last chemo treatment. As I watched the final drips of Taxol go through the line, I reflected on what a long grueling 4 months it has been.  There were many times I didn't know if I had it in me to see this through. As strong as I am, I often thought, "this will break me and bring me to my knees". And as I lay on the sofa I thought, "this is what is like to die." But I didn't break or die, I triumphed and passed the test. So now what?

I am not the same woman I was 6 months ago. Being diagnosed with cancer is a life changing experience and my outlook on life has shifted. I can't express how this will manifest in my life and relationships as it is so new, but I have definitely changed- hopefully in positive ways. I can't even say what has shifted, but I can feel it in how I see things and how I think. I will keep you posted as the future unfolds.

I went into two stores today and I drove there myself! I have avoid public places for the last 4 months, as I didn't want to risk getting sick and having to delay a treatment.  I look forward to getting back into shape- walking, weights, pilates, yoga- all that good stuff. I've been exercising a little on my good days but I haven't pushed myself, as I thought my body was being stressed enough by the chemo.  I'm looking forward to having my hair. It started to grow once I was on the Taxol, but it is still stubble. There are so many things I can't wait to do I won't bore you with what are mostly things you do every day without a though.

I'll keep posting so stay tuned. I wish everyone a happy and very healthy new year:>)